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-The Rivendell Report-

Outside of hobbit home

Grisly or Pretty?

Rooted within the mountains rests the cavern of goblins. The nasty creatures shriek and cry all day and night, even though down in the caverns knowing the time of day is rather impossible. The seemingly endless caverns are lighted with torches that give a pale orange glow to the dark caves. Hearing of some goblins, one may suspect at least a few pleasant artifacts. This assumption is doomed to be false knowing that the wretched creatures build only clever devices of torture. The caverns are fairly decent to look at, but one can’t focus on the formations of the caves due to the horrible outbursts  of a goblin! Why, the wicked beasts show no respect to anyone! They shout and sing of smashing, clashing and tearing unwanted visitors, which appears extremely rude in anyone’s eyes-even the goblins themselves!

Deep deep down, however, rests endless hallways of darken caves. The dark abyss seems to have no end in sight, any poor soul who manages to survive the long fall into the caverns are surely to go insane and find no escape to the horrible place. Stories of a creature by the name of Gollum drift among the goblins. The creature kills his prey or tells them a few riddles. If one was to fall they’d encounter the creature and be dragged into the icy waters of a lake of which Gollum hunts. Overall, these caverns are not worth seeing only because of the goblins! These creatures would roast one alive within five seconds! If you plan on visiting a pigsty, then you might as well go to the goblin’s caverns.

Written by Riley Berkowitz

Bilbo the “Burglar”?

Today we have Bilbo Baggins, the well known burglar that was apart of the mission to regain the dwarves gold, how are you Mr. Baggins?

I am fine, and please, just call me Bilbo.

Okay, Bilbo, it is a pleasure to see you today. But enough small talk, let's get to the juicy stuff. What made you decide to go on the journey with the dwarves? How many times did you wish to go home?

I wanted to go back home so many times during the journey it is impossible to list them all. And I actually don’t remember much of my decision to join the expedition. I just sprung out of the door and ran off, heaven's me I forgot many of my necessities! Though I feel like something deep within me convinced me to go.

Okay, so when you were with Gollum, what convinced you not to kill the wretched creature?

Gollum? Well, it would have been unfair to kill him. He had no weapon and no idea where I had been. And plus,  he was already miserable alone, lost and afraid. I saw part of myself within Gollum and I knew the right thing to do was to spare him.

Interesting. Do you think you’d survive without the ring?

Not really, though it is quite possible. I may have survived without the ring but my friends definitely wouldn’t have.

Do you think you would have survived without Gandalf?

In the beginning of our expedition, no. However, as we became more comfortable with one another and stronger we would have survived without Gandalf; even though he did end up abandoning us in the end.

Do you ever regret going on the expedition?

Not really. I feel like it made my life a bit better. Sure life was never the same as I had wished it to be but it was fine. The expedition made me a stronger hobbit and I don’t regret a thing.

We have hardly any time left but I feel like one more question will do. Bilbo, do you ever miss the dwarves that died in that battle?

I miss them everyday, and I wish more than anything else that they were still alive. No one deserves to die and I can’t help but feel that it was somehow my fault that they are dead.

Thank you very much Bilbo I really appreciate it, anyway our time is up and we must go.

Thank you and have a good day.

Written by Riley Berkowitz

Hobbit Aid

Dear Riley,

I am rather different from most of my friends and they tend to ignore me and never listen to what I have to say! I am always shoved around or shrugged off whenever I try to help. It is as if they don’t respect me! Just the other day they forced me to adventure on, by myself! I nearly died! What should I do?

-Anonymous

        Well if you feel ignored all the time then try and prove to your friends what you can do. Show them what amazing talent you have, you should also take a stand. Don’t let yourself be ignored or forced into anything.

Dear Riley,

My fellow friends always seem to get themselves in the worst of trouble. Either being caught or dragged along by some creature they stumbled upon. It is always me who ends up saving them to and it is getting rather bothersome. Just yesterday they got caught by goblins! If it wasn’t for me they would have been killed. Is there something I should do?

-Anonymous

        Sadly, I don’t think there is much you can do. Though if it does bother you then how about you make the most of your accomplishments. Be proud and show them that if they tried they could be just as great as you, then maybe they will shape up and get their act together.

Dear Riley,

It stole from me, preciousss. It ran away and will never come back, gollum. It took gollum’s birthday present, preciousss!

-Anonymous

        If you are able to talk to someone tell them about what happened and maybe someone will help you out. If there is no one, then confront the person that stole your item and tell them how important that item means to you.

Written by Riley Berkowitz

Interview with Gandalf 

We got none other than the  grand wizard himself to show up in our interview, and we’re not going to cut short with our questions asked! So how did you start the journey in the first place? What do you think made the hobbit get out of his comfortable lodgings to join you on this crazy adventure to who knows where?

I think that somewhere, Bilbo was actually looking for a reason to feel excitement, proof that his life wasn’t  boring, although on the outside he rejected it, but that part of him was the Tookish blood of him speaking. With my belief that he would someday become an accomplished burglar, I awakened that part inside of him.

And do you think that he became what you expected of him?

Why not? Anyone would change in some way after going on an adventure like that!

Don't you ever get frustrated with your party members? I mean, they’ve probably done a lot of things that would’ve gotten them killed if you didn’t save them, right?

I never underestimate their potential to grow, and if they ever do something from a misunderstanding of instructions, I’m understanding enough to not call them out on it. However, I do have to admit it does get a little tiring sometimes to have to argue with them about things that are common sense, like checking the caves before you enter them.

Do you think that they will still be okay if they encounter an unavoidable occurrence without your guidance?

Isn’t that the reason why I left them in the first place?

Just now, you mentioned that you never underestimate your party’s potential to grow. Out of all of them, who do think shows the most promise?

Usually I don’t pick favorites, but I’m going to have to go with Bilbo on this one. Even when I left, I knew that Bilbo would be the one to take the lead after my disappearance. He just seems like a natural-born leader to me.

Now then, because the time’s running out, I’d like to ask just one quick question to wrap us up: how do you think each character changed throughout the journey, and were the changes positive or negative?

Overall, I think the change was mostly positive, with a few deaths here and there, but nevertheless, most of our members undergoed a dramatic transformation, from selfish and ungrateful to noble and respectful, and also from cowardly and dependent to brave and self-reliant. They changed in a way so that the deaths won’t happen again.

In case you forgot, that was Gandalf replying to all our questions-Gandalf, thank you for participating this interview with us.

Thank you.

Also, another big thank you to our reporter, Irene Han, who arranged the entire interview and made the whole thing possible.

Bilbo Baggins, Self-Proclaimed Gourmet, Gives a Food Review of Cram

Cram, a popular traveling food among lakemen, has never been renowned for its level of eatability. The food, in fact, does not by any means reflect the culture or quality of the lakemen themselves (please don’t sue us, lakemen who find this article offending). The striking lack of texture and the nonexistent taste, but most of all, the level of difficulty in finding the appropriate eating method of this bland treat has made it quite a rare appearance on your regular dining table. Worry not, though, for Bilbo Baggins, hobbit gourmand is here to the rescue! With this review, provided by yours truly, finding the proper usage and edibility for questionable purposes in or out of the household kitchen will now be made simpler!...At the expense of my sense of taste, with food or aesthetics.

The sticky consistency this food places on the tongue, while not making a very enjoyable treat, makes it a very useful arts and crafts supply: glue! By simply mixing a tablespoon of water with one unit of cram, you can make a very efficient supply of this appliance that sticks to almost anything-including the roof of your mouth when you attempt to eat it, which is why we highly suggest that you don’t try to. This food review is not responsible for any harm you may sustain from this product. To find the exact amount of damage you may gain from eating this solid, observe the surface carefully. If it is covered in a greenish bluish film, it is most likely contaminated and therefore unsafe for culinary appreciation. To eat cram at this stage is on the level of food poisoning 10 times more lethal than that of a bad chef. If the surface is unstained, but the texture is as hard as a brick, it will probably break your teeth and can be put to use as an emergency hammer/weapon in a pinch. Cram’s normal state, with no abnormalities, is at best a close resemblance of digestive biscuits without sugar(or hardtack), and at its worst, it will get stuck in your throat, requiring excessive amounts of water to choke down. Like I mentioned many times before on my adventure, I find this only interesting to eat as a chewing exercise. No culture would dare to force this food on civilians as a daily course of sustenance, unless they are perhaps going through an economic recession. Enjoy as a substance for utility purposes only, if you plan on keeping a healthy lifestyle, and if you prefer to keep your love of food intact. (By Irene Han)

Travel Article: A Relaxing Trip to the Elven Realms

The Elven Realms are the perfect place to unwind and relax, with joyful laughter and silly songs resonating from the elves, if you don’t find them too annoying. The food you get is delicious and the perfect condolence for when you’re homesick and more than 20 miles away from the place you were born. With soft, silken, bedsheets and a crackling, warm, fireplace, the lodgings are reminiscent of a  haven, where no harm will come your way, and you’ll find yourself letting go of your worries as soon as you get there. As you slowly sink into the peaceful, comforting settings, you’ll wonder why you didn’t spend your entire adventure here instead! Elves, the hosts of the homes you live in, will be there to greet you at every given moment once you arrive, and they’re there to give the most enjoyable experience possible in their residence. Make sure you don’t rest there for too long, though, as you might get a little bit too attached to the area and forget why you came here in the first place(hint: obviously not to stay there forever!). (By Irene Han)

An Obituary to the Lives Lost in The Battle of Five Armies. May They Rest Forever in our Hearts

Thorin Oakenshield. This brave dwarf had almost went astray with the promise of gold and treasure, but in his last moments, he fought bravely in the Battle of Five Armies, and at his deathbed we now pronounce that we have not only lost a great warrior, but a great friend as well. The party will be forever reminded of his absence, as the voice that once hypocritically chastised their actions and lft orders from above the battlefield, is no longer there. Pray that he rests in peace.

Fili and Kili. We have lost a great many brave souls on the battlefield, but none so endearing as the lifeless corpses before us today.  Although they were a enormous liability, they carried the team morale through coarse humor, whether they knew it or not. We will forever miss the deadpan voice and snarky commentary of these two precocious dwarves. Their strength and courage on the ground upon which they fell will never be forgotten, and their contribution to the battle will be remembered forever. May no strife ever come to these faces while they slumber for all eternity. (Obituary by Irene Han)

Daily Gossip: Has the King Under the Mountain Returned?

Many rumors have arose in the vast lands of Middle Earth. One of the most reported was what you have all been waiting for. Now we answer your questions to the best of our ability. Many readers have reported that they have seen the much awaited Thorin Oakenshield, heir to the throne. Although I have not seen him with my own eyes, I have reason to believe that he has truly returned. Gandalf himself has spoken about arranging a quest for twelve of the bravest dwarves. Some say there is a party of thirteen, twelve dwarves and one smaller creature, possibly a hobbit, but others say it is only the dwarves. If the king has really returned, this could mean many things. If Smaug is aggravated any more, the town of Dale will suffer massively. If Smaug is killed , there may be a war over the gold and jewels under the mountain.  Those of course are the worst case scenarios. Let us pray for now that Thorin Oakenshield can reclaim the mountain with minimal casualties

- Luca Merotto, Eyewitness News

Wanted Accompaniment for Adventure:

A burglar, preferably an adventurous Hobbit that is quick and quiet on his feet, and is brave enough to face great danger with pride. Someone that can escape the most dangerous perils, and seeks great rewards for their hard work. Willing to pay a fair share of gold upon delivery. For inquiries, seek out Gandalf the Wizard for placement.

Published by Sarah Spain

Why The Hobbit Hill is the PERFECT Place to Settle Down and Stop for Afternoon Tea:

The Hobbit Hill, tucked away between gentle rivers and green meadows, is an extraordinary sight for those who appreciate the beauty of nature while upkeeping a modern aspect. This astoundingly breath-taking place is for the quaint, mellow, and respectable folk who take pride in their gardens and making their neighbors jealous. One particularly popular activity that takes place here often is hosting little get-togethers with cheerful and respectable guests, to impress with a variety of teas and many sophisticated appetizers.

Published By Sarah Spain

Bilbo Baggins: Clumsy or Fraud?

During the great Battle of the Five Armies, almost all hope was gone when the Goblins began to take over the field of war. At this exact moment, Bilbo Baggins went missing. A source confirms that he was found days after the end of the battle, the reason being that he “slipped and went unconscious”. Right at the peak of danger, Baggins disappeared to leave his allies behind to fend for themselves. Many theories claim that Baggins may have intentionally slipped away while his foes took over, fearing for his life. Bilbo claimed that he unintentionally slipped while observing, but who is to say he isn’t lying? To many, it seems suspicious. Is it true that Bilbo Baggins, the Renowned Burglar and Adventurer, fled from his friends when faced with danger? Stay tuned for our next issue for more information regarding this newfound scandal.

Published By Sarah Spain

The Lake Town Life: A Relaxing New Travel Resort

Lake town, previously a town frequently worrying about Smaug, has transformed into a beautiful resort. Lake town sits along Long Lake which allows sailing, swimming, and many other fun water options. When you’re not chilling at the lake you can explore the town or visit a huge adventure park. The park includes a zip line which will take you over the glimmering lake, rock climbing, and other activities. After a day of adventure one can relax in the luxury hotel. This resort takes no shortcuts making it a must visit stop for any fan of fun.

Published by Maximillian Block

Cover Story: How the Downfall of Smaug Affects Esgaroth and Other Surrounding Towns

As we all know, the terrible dragon Smaug was slain down recently by the brave Bard, right before the Battle of the Five Armies. Many would have thought that the disappearance of the mighty foe would send the lake town into a frenzy of joy and happiness, but many struggles have come up instead. The devastation wrought upon the town was too great to ignore, or quickly solve. The death toll in Esgaroth was a staggering amount. Many houses, shops, and other buildings were severely damaged by fire or from being smashed. While many would have thought that the town would struggle on getting back on its feet, Esgaroth is doing surprisingly well for the devastation previously brought upon it. Many forces have joined together to help rebuild the city and bring help to those who need it. The dragon itself was sold for a good amount of money to help fund the town. The other surrounding towns have helped out a fair share in the rebuilding of the town. Many say that if Esgaroth had not been surrounded by water, then the amount of damage would be far more extensive.

Published by Sarah Spain

Crime: The Theft That Changed Everything

        Bilbo’s theft of the Arkenstone was one of the most important of all time. When Bilbo stole it from the dragon’s keep he had no idea how big it would be. The arkenstone is a prized jewel that Thorin wants more than anything else. Bilbo saves the day with a clever plan by forcing Thorin to bargain by giving Bard the arkenstone.

Published by Maximillian Block     

        When you’re a hobbit you drink a lot of tea, and that’s why we’re here to give a review of sleepy Time Tea. Sleepy Time Tea is a fantastic tea brand with many different flavors of tea. This tea just brings a really calming feel and will allow maximum relaxation. It’s soothing taste works great on sore throats as well. All in all I would highly recommend this fantastic tea brand.

Published by Maximillian Block

Opinion: Should We Let Thorin Reclaim The Throne

        In Dale, there has been much excitement over another Oakenshield returning to the mountain. Many say it will be the end of Dale if they take Smaug’s gold from him.  Although this is a possible and very likely outcome  some say Dale is in such a mess anyway, it would be worth risking it! It is too late now because they have left town, but, Smaug may not be the worst thing that happens as a result of this. If Thorin gets his throne there will be large disputes over the various goods that lie inside of the mountain. Knowing the differences between the dwarves and elves, they may even go as far as war. Knowing Thorin, he will be very unwilling to give away any of his possessions. Dale may not even see any better days and live in the shadow of selfish tyranny. Letting Thorin reclaim the throne could lead to many possible downfalls of our kingdom. Although letting Thorin reclaim his throne may be a risk, there is almost no chance we would stop him anyways. Thorin’s determination is clearly originated from a noble king and this is a desired trait in any king. He does have traits that resemble those of a true king.